


Lapis Vs. The Laundromat Thief

by hydreigon300



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Crazy Lapis, Cringe, F/F, Heavy amounts of crack, Lapis is a crackhead who wanders around at night, STEVIDOT WEDDING, dumb humor, minecraft steven, peridot is just...unfortunate, she also does backflips at 7/11 with her buddies in the back, stevidot as a joke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:07:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23882017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hydreigon300/pseuds/hydreigon300
Summary: Peridot, a bride stood up on her wedding day, runs into an old flame in the streets of Bitch City.
Relationships: Lapis Lazuli/Peridot (Steven Universe)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	Lapis Vs. The Laundromat Thief

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by all the times my shit got stole at the laundromat. If you know you know

“STEVEN! HELP ME GET A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST LAPIS!” Peridot latched onto Steven with tears eyes. Sometimes Lapis would plant lice in her hair just to watch her scratch, or smoke the nastiest shit smelling weed directly into her face and make Peridot regurgitate organs and swallow them back up like a frog.

“Lapis is harmless, you’ll be fine Peridot!” Steven reassured her, but deep down he knew he would see Peridot’s shattered gem ground and rolled into a fat joint at this rate, “and uh besides, I think you need to be a citizen to even ask for that.”

Peridot was an illegal alien, hater of the color orange, and pro at jumping border walls.

“How do I become a citizen, Steven?”

“Well, I mean, if you REALLY want this...”

In his mind, the plan was simple as he had created this plan months ago in his pubescent desperation; In preparation for this very moment. Minecraft Steven was a disgusting perverted piece of shit and this was his chance. 

“If we get married, I may be able to give you citizenship Peridot, and then you can get a restraining order against Lapis!”

“Alright, sounds good. How long will this take?”

“A couple of years probably. It’s a lot of paperwork. So you want to do it?”

“Yeah”

——

The following week, Steven and Peridot were married. Invitations were sent out but nobody showed up because it was creepy to see two kids getting married. Only one person dared witness this repulsive scene.

“Steven, how could you?!”

“C-Connie?!”

Connie was sobbing.

“I thought we were going to be a thing!”

“Wait Connie let me explain! I only married Peridot so she could become a citizen! You’re the one I love!”

“what...” Connie gawked at him but then blushed, “I love you too, Steven” 

Then they kissed o///o

From far away, Peridot saw this and cried. She didn’t even like Steven, she was a gay retard, but it was still humiliating to be cheated on, especially the day of her wedding. She cried and cried, Peridot didn’t think about where she was walking to, she just had to get away. 

——

It was nighttime when she silently walked into the Bitch City laundromat. She took a seat on a cheap plastic chair and watched clothes dry. But Peridot remembered her feelings of jealousy and humiliation, and tears threatened to leak from her eyes again. The ugly green girl felt someone slump down beside her.

“Hey Peridot” droned a drugged up voice

“L-Lapis!” 

“Yeah”

“wha-What are you doing here?” Peridot was confused. She knew Lapis wandered around at night like a fucking freak, but she didn’t expect to see her at the laundromat.

“Oh. Well since the barn is destroyed, I’ve been hanging around here now. It’s fun”

That made sense. Lapis was still a homeless crackhead, but now she frequents places.

“Uhhh, what do you mean by fun?”

“Heh. You’ll see. Anyways, why are you crying?”

“Because, earlier today I married Steven but he cheated on me with Connie!” More tears trailed down her face.

It was humiliating to share that and Peridot’s face burned with shame. Lapis lifted her hand, and Peridot cringed, expecting to be bitch slapped. However, she only felt a comforting pat on the back. And then she was smacked so hard her facial structure was permanently rearranged to look like the ugliest dude you have ever seen in the NBA.

“Peridot,” Lapis paused to laugh at her stupid yee yee dumbass, “marrying a child is a new low, even for you. Ayyyye but the fun is already starting, look over there” Lapis pointed to a tall burly man wearing baggy clothes and wielding a knife. Peridot’s eyes widened when she saw that there was a woman underneath him,stabbed and bleeding out onto the floor. The man wasn’t after her life though. He wanted what was in the machines. He wanted her laundry.

Peridot was trembling in fear

“Lapis, who is that...”

“He’s just a laundry thief. There’s people like that all the time don’t worry about it”

Peridot noted that Lapis wasn’t even afraid. She was smirking even! And that air of confidence... what the fuck was going on.

The thief sauntered over to them. Everyone else in the building cowered at this sight of him and stayed away.

“Oi! Ladies! Which ones are yours?” He jerked a thumb at the wall of dryers to his side. Lapis’s eyes narrowed as he opened a dryer full of blue dresses and sweatpants. Wait, Lapis grimaced, why is that guy British? 

“Ah, whatever I don give a fuck, I’ll just take everythin” The thief began to steal everything from the dryers, ignoring the whimpers of poor families.

Lapis stood up.

“Peridot. There’s something you should know. Sometimes, I’m not just a vicious crackhead,” Lapis turned to look deep into her puffy eyes, “Sometimes, I do good things”

All the water that was cycling through the washing machines burst through the metal like it was the yellowstone supervolcano up in this bitch. With water pressure hard enough to cleave through steel beams at her command, Lapissing on the street Lazuli managed to sway her gangly, drug addicted, malnourished limbs to hit the mf woah.The slight but fast movement was enough to completely fucking vaporize the thief’s flesh and left nothing behind but squeaky clean white bones. 

“That was for you, babe” Lapis flirtatiously winked at Peridot. Somehow, even though she was in a laundromat, Lapis still stinked like shit and Peridot’s nose was burning. But Peridot still blushed anyways because Lapis was just quirky and eccentric and “different”

Lapis Whoremonger Flatassuli’s raggedy fart smelling dress flowed in the wind. Immediately every clothing item in the vicinity of her stench aged 50 years and rotted into dust. The scrawny blue gem strut up to Peridot, hip bones protruding from the thin and deteriorated fabric.

“You like my musk?” Lapis whispered to her seductively.

Peridot took a deep breath in of the “musk” and could feel her face go numb and glitch. Her gem projected light form was now flaking away from the inside.

"Yeah, you smell like cheapass Bratz doll toy perfume, I love it on you~" Peridots struggled to say as she felt centuries of memories being sanded away and was hit with debilitating gem alzheimers 50000 years too early.

Lapis raised her arm, finally killing everyone in the laundromat from not wearing deodorant, and slung it around Peridot's shaking shoulders.

"Let me buy u a drank, babygirl…oooooweeeee I got money in the baaaank"Lapis sang autotuned like T-Pain.

"Yeah, of course!"

Peridot could no longer remember who the FUCK was right next to her, but if they was gonna buy her something for free then FUCK IT, she'd act like a hoeass golddigger even if her sugar daddy was a broke bum.just ratchet tingz.

Lapis grinned widely at her like a predator would sneer to a child they tricked into dating them on club penguin. She staggered over to the vending machine, put fake printed schmoney in and bought her babygirl a shasta cola. She bent down to pick up a washing machine coin, her sharp hip bones ripping through her thin skin causing blisters and scabs to pop open.

Lapis used her crackhead powers and carved the coin with a quick jet of shasta cola, shaping it into an elegant ring. Hobbling back towards Peridot, she lowered herself on one boney knee, instead falling forward and face planted the nastyass floor, losing all her brown teeth and making her nose crooked and ugly. Peridot could only look sympathetic to this pitiful cringe ass sight. Lapis tried again, shakily adjusting herself to both knees because she already felt exhausted. Her smoking habits left her physically crippled. She slowly took out the ring with quivering Parkinson's hands and presented it to Peridot.

"Peridot...will you be my main bitch foreva?"

Peridot felt tremendous excitement build up but paused. Could this be her second chance at a marriage after her first one failed horrendously? She couldn't believe it, God must be on her side and taking care of her, she reasoned. Peridot couldn't hold it in. She squealed like she just saw BTS, Ariana Grande, and the Cheetah Girls singing 'Discord' by The Living Tombstone'.

"YES OH MY GOD YES LAPIS I'LL MARRY YOU!!!!"

Lapis at once stood up and struck her across the face, breaking her glasses into a million pieces.

"THIS AIN'T A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL, BITCH! I'M ASKING YOU TO BE MY MAIN HOE WHILE I GO BEHIND YO BACK AND CHEAT ON YO ASS YOU DUMB MUTHAFUCKA!"

"Oh…in that case STILL YES!!!"

Lapis smiled warmly at Peridot and pulled her into a loving hug. She didn't know it in the coming months, but she'd be spending time in and out of jail, murdering niggas on call of duty,chilling with Jeffrey Dahmer and Jeffrey Epstein , and most surprising of all, actually being loyal to a partner for once.

Just kidding.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, it's 2020 and I'm back to my old shitty ways. Blame coronavirus but I had fun with this one. I might put out something else while I'm stuck and going bat shit crazy, love ya guys and stay safe!


End file.
